Scatter

My desk is strewn with random notes on stickies and empty envelopes that were headed for the recycle bin. That isn't to say my desk isn't normally a disaster area...it's totally normal for there to be piles of stuff scattered about, just waiting for me to spill my drink on them (which lately has been the only thing to force me to clean up). It's just that I DID just clean off my desk last week, anticipating a visitor who was a no show. People are always flaking but that's a different story. There are a lot of details to handle when one's dad passes on. Especially if you're the person responsible for Everything (with a cap E).

My mom will receive a change in her Social Security from what I was told. Technically it is an increase. Practically she won't see ANY of it. Once again, Medi-Cal laws ruin everything. They only allow an old lady to keep $35 a month for personal expenses. The mistaken theory is that if a person is living in a care home, almost all of their personal needs are met. But the care home doesn't buy her clothes, cut or fix her hair, trim or manicure her nails, supply lotion, candy, sodas, or pay for her to have a root-beer float or some kind of entertainment once in a while. Not only that, the food there is not very good...some residents don't even eat it and their family bring their meals. A couple of weeks ago when my niece was visiting at dinnertime, the food was so salty it was inedible. By the way, my mom is supposed to be on a low-salt diet.

So of course, $35--which is a figure that might have worked back in the 1960s, and certainly the last time it was reviewed for acceptability--doesn't cover it all. And I didn't even list non-covered medical expenses like transportation to her doctor or over the counter items. Lawmakers in this country really aren't concerned enough with my mom's well-being.

Century

My dad passed away peacefully just past 7 a.m. Tuesday, June 3. Plans will be made soon for a memorial service. He would have been 100 years old--a full century--on August 31st. I'm willing to give him the next two months, so I'll just round it up. My mom has taken his passing okay considering they were married for 73 (!!) years. As for myself I'm doing the best I can to look for the silver lining...although some of my parade has been rained on because losing my dad means I'm also out of work a double hit. And this might seem redundant to say: After working to exhaustion with barely any time off in the past 5 years don't expect me to be looking for a job any time soon!*

In an unusual coincidence, my landlord's mother died the same morning as my dad. Weird.

It may be a while before I'm comfortable with an empty house.

*For unemployment insurance purposes I can neither confirm nor deny the accuracy of this statement.

The Day Everything Changed

Friday was a big day. I don't mean big in a good way, but also not in a totally bad way. I'm trying to mind the positive aspects of what just happened, on the fringe of a trajedy that isn't yet over. I read The Power Of NOW months ago and I think it's helpful that I've been practicing living in the moment and worrying less about the past and future. Yeah, that is a helpful way of thinking for this.

My dad went to ER Friday and is going to be in the hospital for a while. In fact, he will not return home.

Suddenly I must adapt to this change, one that I knew would come eventually and that I have been bracing for, preparing best I can (as if I even know what that means), knowing there wasn't "enough" time to really be "ready".

At home it is just me and the dog. That is strange, scary in fact. You'd feel the same way if you'd never lived alone in four decades. Both my parents' bedrooms are now empty. I'm okay right now except that earlier, for no reason, the dog barked at "something" in my dad's room. He almost never barks. I know people say their dogs don't bark when they actually do bark often, especially people who are trying to rent an apartment. But I'm serious, my dog hasn't barked in the past 3 months until today. I checked and there was no one out in front of the house, no one at the door. Weird. Scary. Creepifying.

I'm gonna just take things slow for a while.