Some People Don't Get It

I was stopped by my neighboor the other day when I went to the mailbox. She told me that while she was at work the night before she'd receieved like a half-dozen voicemail messages from her 20-something daughter who had been home alone. The girl said my 99 year-old dad had come to their house and she didn't know what to do because I wasn't home and she didn't know how to reach me. I was at improv class. This neighbor has my cell number but I guess the girl doesn't know that. My dad had somehow navigated in the dark across their rock garden, around a low brick wall, and up 5 concrete steps to ring their doorbell. She was extremely worried because my dad didn't recognize her daughter, a person he has not seen face to face in probably more than a year.

My dad has mild Alzheimer's. Most of the time he's fine but has memory problems. He sleeps a lot. He's supposed to use a walker, but often forgets and leaves it behind. The fact that he can do this at his age is a blessing, albeit a scary one sometimes. Last year he liked to take walks in the neighborhood without telling me (I can't know what he's doing every minute) and would get lost and I'd have to find him. This past summer he was only inclined to wander out of the house a few random times. By the way, it is against the law for a caregiver to restrain a person against their will without specific diagnosis and orders from a physician. He also appeared to have gotten over a phase of falling: He has not fallen in more than 6 months, a strange improvement, but one to be thankful for.

Since my dad hadn't been wandering outside in some time, I made the guilt-ridden decision that I should go out once in a while to take a break. The key word is OUT, away from this constant obligation. It would not be the same to just have a friend visit, I have to physically leave the premisses. While this may seem ridiculously irresponsible, it was only after careful observation of my dad's behavior (at night he is most likely in bed and therefore low-risk) and consideration of available options (none) that I attempted this maneuver. It must also be considered that I have no workable options; there is no one else who can take care of my dad, no friend or family who is both willing and qualified. Plus, this was actually a matter of self-preservation; remaining home as if under house-arrest was sending me on a walk down a dark alley. So I started spending a little bit of time out with friends, and even though I worried about what might go wrong, even though I felt guilty about doing so (and still do), something interesting happened: I got better and the dark alley walk became a healthy jog on a sunny day. And my dad was fine.

Even if I didn't go out for my own selfish reasons, I still have to leave my dad home sometimes because it's often absolutely unmanageable to take him with me. I have to get groceries; I have my own doctor's appointments; sometimes I have to take my mom to the doctor. I have tried to make arrangements when I know these things in advance, but getting help is mostly a lost cause.

So our neighbor, who has known of my dad's illness for some time, has had the impression my dad should be put into a care home right away. She reminds me of this often. She doesn't seem to see the big picture. So the other day I felt I needed to explain in more detail than I had previously. She wasn't getting it, and it was pissing me off.

Placing a family member in a care home is an extremely challenging, traumatic, life-changing event for everyone involved. It takes hours, weeks or even months of phone calls, inspections of facilities, self-doubt, wrangling with insurance and/or government assistance agencies. The person going to the care home is not going to be happy about it, may become angry and will actively resist the idea. My mom was already suffering deep depression before going to the care home where she now lives, and moving her there made her significantly worse. It took her more than a year to begin feeling better. The decision to take her there was mine alone to make, it was not shared with any other family member. I still feel terrible for it, and the fact that I had no other choice does not help much. So pardon me if I don't ever, EVER want to go through that again.

So I explained this as best I could to our well-meaning neighbor, along with some additional details which I'll leave out here. I still don't think she understood. So I gave her my phone number again with specific, simple instructions in case my dad wanders over there again without my knowing (just coax him back home and tell him to stay inside). Since my dad may again be prone to wandering, I'll stop leaving him alone for now and keep an eye on his behavior for a while. It's most likely temporary.